This presser’s a little out there, but it’s funny, and all true operators and tac fans like having dry underwear, so it’s appropriate enough:
April 26, 2018 (Lake Jackson, TX) Often, births are occasions for gifts. Other times, multiple births result in companies giving lots of their goods to the lucky families who welcome 4, 5, 8 and sometimes more babies in a single birth. Cases of baby milk, freight cars full of disposable diapers (known as nappies in the U.K.) and container ship loads of ‘baby wipes’ arrive with great ceremony, covered by reporters who document the joyously grateful parents. But not so the newest member of the U.K.’s royal family who with his parents Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge left St. Mary’s Hospital in London empty handed.
Number Three Child Deserves Better
This shoddy treatment of (new prince’ name here) motivated the makers of SwampButt Underwear™ to offer the newest member of the UK’s royal family the gift of a dry backside, for life. For (new prince’ name here) the company is willing to supply its moisture wicking performance underwear to (new prince’ name here) for his entire life, or until the company is no longer solvent. “Maybe since (new prince’ name here) was the third child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the public was bored by them, but we just aren’t sure why they were ignored, especially by marketing minded companies like ours,” said company owner Rufus (Dana) Horatio. “Maybe the specter of baby three was enough of a good thing; sort of like all those boring moon landings we had here back in the 1970’s. After the first moon landing, man, what a snooze fest.”
Bollocks To Those Cheeky Monkeys
The company is making the generous offer in the hope of making up for the thoughtless companies in the U.K. (known there as ‘wankers’) who seem to have ignored the (new prince’ name here) arrival. The company also hopes to ride the wave of free publicity that (new prince’ name here) gains here in the U.S. While no one at SwampButt Underwear could figure why Americans were so interested in the birth of (new prince’ name here) they were more than willing to glom onto a cheap opportunity for free promotion. Plus, the whole generous gift thing, that too.
A Refusal To Simply Bugger Off
The company’s owners were in radical agreement that the newest arrival of the royal family was worthy of a lifetime supply of SwampButt Underwear. “We were gob smacked when (new prince’ name here) and his parents were stiffed by all those wankers over there,” mused anglophile and corporate spokesman Nick Heraldson. “It’s bog-standard behavior on their (U.K. business) part, an occasion about which they should all be chuffed; what the bloody hell?”
Once the company receives the proper permissions from the Royals, the shipments of free underwear will begin. “We think delivering our SwampButt Underwear to Kensington Palace with make a great photo opportunity,” Heraldson said. “Plus, the whole generous gift in the face of businesses there ignoring (new prince’ name here) birth. For shame. We are so much better than them.”
To Learn More
To learn more about (new prince’ name here) follow his naming at: http://time.com/5254319/prince-william-royal-baby-name-hint/. To learn more about SwampButt Underwear, go to www.swampbutt.com.