Courtesy of the Duffel Blog
Cincinatti, OH– For over 30 years, Wornick Foods has been producing the Meals-Ready-To-Eat (MRE) that are familiar to troops worldwide. As the years have passed, the meals have changed substantially — and many troops agree — they’ve gotten better.
“I remember my first MRE,” says Marine Staff Sergeant Nathan Puckett, “It was Country Captain Chicken. It looked like the assembly line worker puked inside the wrapper and then sealed it.”
Some new offerings of MRE’s that have been popular with the troops include Chili Macaroni, Beef Brisket, and Chicken Fajita. Despite the success of the latest line of meals, Randy Newbold, Director of Wornick’s Military Business Unit, says the company is trying to innovate further.
“We’ve seen what Hollywood does and what the automakers have done. They look to the past to innovate for the future,” says Newbold, “so we’re re-releasing some of the troops’ favorite old-time meals.
Newbold showed TDB some of the meals chosen as part of their “MRE Throwback Campaign.”
“We’ve received a lot of feedback from our soldiers, sailors, and Marines, and they agreed on quite a few,” says Newbold, “to include the Hot Dog meal, Bean Burrito, and Pasta with Alfredo Sauce.”
“The four fingers of death?” asks Specialist Alan Engel, “Are they fucking serious? I think I may have to kill wild animals or eat nothing but Ramen on my next deployment.”
Newbold also believes that these ‘long lost meal-time favorites of the troops’ as he puts it, will serve another purpose: Preventing swapping. “We believe the re-issue of these meals will significantly reduce the occurrence the troops call ‘rat-fucking the MRE box’. Now they’ll always be able to get their favorite.”
And he says there’s even an added benefit for Wornick Foods. Although its not the main reasoin, Newbold concedes that the campaign is also part of a broad cost-saving strategy.
“The fact is these meals have been sitting in our inventory for almost 10 years, and they’re are taking up shelf space. We actually got a big inventory return when we sent a ton of these meals over to Somalia for goodwill. I guess they are not a big fan of Jamaican Pork, but the troops love ‘em!”
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Tags: MREs
Yeah, those guys in the pic look so overjoyed.
What? No Corned Beef in Hash? No Pork and Rice in BBQ Sauce? No Tuna and Noodles? Those are throwback meals and I for one liked all of them. I want my maple nut cake!
Oh goodness…. where do I start on this?
1)Have the people at Wornick Foods gone completely off the deep end head first into the concrete? Or, worse, are they letting the White House tell them how to feed soldiers and Marines?
There is no such thing as “classic MRE styles.” There are usually just 2 categories: what the troops will eat, and what they will throw away.
Don’t the clots who make MREs keep track of this stuff?
In the Canadian army, every single Individual Meal Pack (refered to as an ‘IMP’, by the way) contains a small, pre-addressed questionaire that can be mailed, without adding postage stamps, to Canadian National Defense Headquarters.
That little piece of paper, if not needed as a toilet-paper substitute, allows Canadian troops to tick off boxes to indicate what in the Meal was good, what was so-so, what sucked like hard vacuum in deep space, and what should be included to improve (or kill) the taste of certain items.
I have NEVER heard of any other nation inviting feedback from its soldiers in this way.
Wonder why that is?
2) “We’ve seen what Hollywood does and what the automakers have done.”
Holy shrieking death fuck.
If I as a soldier ever heard those words coming from my food suppliers, there would be a division-size attack on their head office before the next fucking sunrise. I solemnly vow.
Those are the absolute worst examples I can think of to run a business by.
It is a VERY GOOD THING that U.S. ground-pounders never have routine access to tactical nuclear weapons.
3) “We’ve received a lot of feedback from our soldiers, sailors, and Marines….”
Okay, *TWEEEEEEEEETTT!* Bullshit flag on the play!
Soldiers, sailors and Marines have some very hardcore opinions on what they DON’T want to eat in the field – and have no problem voicing those opinions!
If they didn’t like the hot dog meal and the Pasta Alfredo over 20 years ago, why the hell would they like it now? To make MRE bombs?
4) The first couple of generations of MRE’s did not contain anything more than salt and pepper to enhance (or change) taste. What resulted was that, before heading ashore on amphibious operations, Marines would ‘field strip’ the assault ships of every single bottle of hot sauce they could get their hands on.
In turn, senior Navy leaders sent loud screaming letters to Wornick and Friends, saying things like “look, morons, start putting hot sauce into the MREs before we accidentally fire a shipload of nukes down your throats!”
So what did the MRE makers do?
They started putting in teeny weeny bottles of Tabasco sauce that won’t fill up a teaspoon on a good day, AFTER nearly 3 years of Navy complaints.
And the Wornick Weenies are listening to the troops at the sharp end?
I DOUBT that.
5) Regarding #4 above:
What’s the quickest and smartest way to make friends of the troops in the field?
Answer: Bring out the biggest dang bottle of tabasco sauce you can get and pass it around at mealtime.
Or a bottle of ketchup.
Or a bottle of barbecue sauce.
Or seasoning salt (Mrs Dash brand comes to mind.)
Or HP Sauce (which the Brits refer to as ‘brown sauce’).
Or a container of curry powder, or curry paste (which the Brits will KILL for).
Or Sriracha sauce.
Or garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, oregano, chilli powder…..
You’re starting to get the picture.
This is a favorite tactic of experienced war correspondants, especially the ones who have been “embedded” (I hate that word) with U.S. Marines.
Bottom line: if it can be added to an MRE meal to change the flavor even a little bit, and doesn’t need refrigeration or cooking, take it with you.
A little does a lot to improve morale.
6) This ‘Newbold’ character from Warnick thinks that issuing recycled crappy rations will prevent troops from swapping meals?
Say freaking what?
Trading items of food, in the field, has SUPPOSEDLY been done since the days of the Roman Empire. If for no other reason than that having something new or different to eat would keep unit morale from going into the latrine. Or worse.
Just what planet does this ‘Newbold’ yo-yo come from anyway?
Trading food, and sharing flavor enhancers, is sometimes the best way to prevent what is called, “breakdown of good order and discipline.”
“SARGEANT SCHULTZ!!!”
“Yes, Sir?”
“Why was the entire platoon engaged in a loud bloody brawl when I arrived at breakfast time this morning!?!?”
“They were tired of eating the same MREs for breakfast for the 13th day straight, and then, Private Mulligan walked into the area, carrying what was described as, ‘one lonesome but lovely fresh egg,’ Sir!”
“Oh, dear God, help us!”
I think you get the picture. Buuut….
That gives me a wonderful, awful idea!
Let’s embed Mr. Newbold with a platoon of deployed Marines for a couple of months. Then, IF he survives, he just MIGHT learn how important food really is, at the sharp end!
7) Reading the last paragraph:
“…these meals have been sitting in our inventory for almost 10 years..”
Holy Howling Shit Sandwiches.
After 10 YEARS on the shelf, they want to send this stuff to the troops?
As part of a ‘broad, cost saving strategy?’
How’s that again? Are these corporate ass raping pig fuckers deliberately trying to destroy morale? Or kill troops with food that should probably be destroyed instead?
I just changed my mind.
Do absolutely not send this Newbold freak anywhere near frontline combat forces. He won’t survive 2 minutes, let alone 2 months.
Egad. It’s a good thing that U.S. ground-pounders can’t get access to anything resembling fissionable Special Nuclear Material.
8) Still re-reading last paragraph….
OH. MY GOD.
Am I reading this crazy shit correctly?
Someone actually thought it was O.K. to send MREs to Somalia?
AMERICAN packaged and labeled food containing PORK?
To a country full of people that are systematically conditioned to hate and loath anything and everything American, and anything and everything that even hints of pork?!?
Are the people at Wornick just purely batshit fucking insane?
Or have I completely lost my mind?
Or…
is this article someone’s very belated idea of a very bad April Fools’ day joke?
Talk to us, Fanboy.
Please.
And no, I won’t hold it against you if you delete my entire response.
But this whole article is just unbelievable.
At first I thought this wasn’t a bad idea, that was until I read that by re-issuing they meant taking surplus MREs off the shelf and shipping them off to the military; what a genius idea, don’t MREs expire by 10 years? Still, I have to wonder what they consider favorites, because if I was still in I think I’d sooner starve than eat either an omlette with ham or ham slice, I hated those two with a passion when I was in and would dread getting one.
Those are not old school
these are,
bring back the ham slice- to put in ramen
chicken and rice- add water make porridge
tuna with noodles – i just like the smell
So many good ones discontinued… and yet, somehow, the vegetable omelette not only remains on the menu, but gets worse over time.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhgggggg!!!!!!!
Now that somebody managed to re-start my heartbeat, I worked up the courage to actually click on the link to The Duffel Blog, and now I know how bad guys feel when they get a stay of execution.
I think some of my neural synapses went kaboom when I read the words, “classic MRE styles.”
Good Gawd, what a relief it is to read the words, “Just about everything on this web site is satirical in nature.”
Magnificently done, Fanboy!
Just looked at my previous comment – when I rant, I sure go off the deep end, don’t I? 🙂
I figure that if you ever come north to Canada and we meet up, I owe you either a case of cold beer or a case of IMPs.
Maybe both.
Hooah!
P.S. Somebody PLEASE send me a Short Bus Door Gunner patch.
I think I just earned it.
Yeah it should have been mentioned that The duffle blog s a satire site. Unless TdB is just trying to fish for people to make fun if for not “getting” satire, which would be pretty lame.
*TFB not TdB
@Grayson – you Sir, have just made my day. I have tears in my eyes…